Tottenham Hotspur stadium and logo

Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, London

Tottenham Hotspur FC vs. FC Internazionale Milano
International Champions Cup

I firmly believe that there must be intelligent life somewhere out there in this universe. There are just too many solar systems and planets that there must be something, however many millions of light years away.

View of the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium from High Road
Aliens in Tottenham?

Now, there didn't appear to be much in the way of intelligent life dwelling on Tottenham's High Road, but it did appear as though a spaceship had landed somewhere around the site of the old White Hart Lane ground.

Matchup sign outside Tottenham Hotspur Stadium
Confirmation that I'm too cheap to attempt to buy league game tickets.

Of course, aliens hoping to make contact with the human race would probably pick a slightly better spot to land their ship than the end of a high street in north London, or maybe they just really wanted to sample some Turkish food from Pavro Ocakbasi Restaurant.

But this is no alien spaceship, probably. This is a £1 billion facility, imaginatively named 'Tottenham Hotspur Stadium', and it is simply out of this world.

Tottenham Hotspur logo on the exterior façade of Tottenham Hotspur Stadium
Probably the biggest cock in London.

Even though this was only a friendly, because let's be real here, the International Champions Cup is a load of nonsense, in spite of what the organisers would like you to believe, the game was pretty much a sell out. This means TfL in all of their infinite wisdom saw fit to ensure the closest train station to the ground was closed for the entire day. Great, wasn't like I was on crutches or anything.

Exterior of Tottenham Hotspur Stadium
This must be the front of the ship.

Obi-Wan Kenobi once said of Mos Eisley spaceport: "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy," so I'm only going to assume he never set foot on High Road. As great as the stadium is, it's in a shit area.

Built to host American football as well, the stadium has borrowed some features commonly found over the pond. Not the load of steps to even get up to show your tickets (because ground floor access would be much too inconvenient and, again, not like I had crutches or anything), don't be preposterous, but the full body scanners.

View of the pitch at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium
A £1 billion view right here.

If you have wicked intentions and wish to cause harm at a major sporting event then having crutches is probably the way to go about undetected. Despite trying to be honest and confirm that I was, in fact, an upstanding member of society, the stewards saw my two additional makeshift legs and kindly let me walk through without any kind of search at all. So yeah, that's not troubling.

Inside, this place is a paradise and might just kill off any remaining pubs in the area that survive on matchday business. There are ample screens, ample bars, and ample space to loiter around. They spent a lot of money on this stadium, but unlike most new stadiums, they appear to have also spent a lot of time to consider the people who will actually use this facility.

Video screen at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium
A video screen that can be seen from anywhere in the ground. A novel concept.

The cheapest pint is £4 and all beers seem to utilise the Bottoms Up method of pouring, so queues are very few and far between. It couldn't be more different than Wembley Stadium, who often appear as though they've only just discovered there's an event on. Just don't get curious and push the magnet at the bottom of the cup. This will be great for the NFL games in October.

I took my seat in the South Stand, meant to mimic Borussia Dortmund's "Yellow Wall", and was relieved to find I was only four rows up from the way out. This is where all the atmosphere should be. This is where people who take preseason friendlies far too seriously sit.

Christian Eriksen takes a penalty for Tottenham Hotspur
Oh Christian. Why'd you have to go and piss those nice people off by missing?

If you have a leg that can't quite be flexed all the way, then this is probably not the best place to come to. I took yesterday for granted, and forgot that when you actually have to sit next to other human beings then things get a little more cosy. I have to thank the strange people in front of me for only taking their seats in the 38th minute, and then the people next to me for leaving after 75. What is it with people paying money to only see a certain percentage of the game?

Goal Line Bar at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium
The Goal Line Bar, apparently the longest in Europe. But who's measuring?

Still, if there was anything I learned from the afternoon, it was that Soho apparently has a great Wetherspoons (aren't they all the same?), and the two guys behind me were going to head off to the theatre district after the game in search of it. Sounds like a plan, guys. It's not like London has many options anyway.

Oh, and it takes forever to leave the stadium.

Useless information about Tottenham Hotspur Stadium

Address: 782 High Road, Tottenham, London, N17 0BX
Capacity: 62,214
Pitch Type: Grass
Ticket Price: £25 (South Stand)
Programme: £5, 68 pages
Cheapest Pint: £4

Tottenham Hotspur 2019/20 ticket

Tottenham Hotspur FC 2019/20 season programme cover